The Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a  conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President. 

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle'." 

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. 

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'." 

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there!."'

Protecting the American Way of Life through Fire Arms

This gem came to me through my brother without atribution. I simply had to share!

Heaven...or Hell

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executivewoman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it wentdown to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all of her friends and they wereall dressed in fine evening wear and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.

They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.

She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went back up to the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playingthe harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're staff."

The Bronze Rat

This is just one of many versions out there...

A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it. He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said the owner.

The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; And I won't be bringing it back."

As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing. He started to trot towards the Harbor. He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Harbor as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop.

"Aha," said the owner, "You're bringing it back!"

"Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for that little bronze Mexican over there"

On Experience

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner. After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota . There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties.

At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish. Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is McCain cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

Aaaah, The Irish

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.



Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.


Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'


They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.


'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'


Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.


Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home'


'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.


'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

**********

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.


A cop pulls him over.


'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?


'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.


'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'


'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.


'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk, 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

**********

AND, finally.......


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.


The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.


Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.


The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side> either.'

Fifty Dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I 'd like to ride in that helicopter'.

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'.

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'.

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The Free Haircut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful'.

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

Vote carefully this year.